What’s a typical weekday like for you?
If you work a job, chances are it looks broadly like this:
Wake up early in the morning – work on that important presentation as you make breakfast and pack lunch for the entire family – get the kid(s) and yourself ready for school, as the maid cleans the house – drop kids to the bus stop or school – reach office, spend the day saving your *** - get back home late in the evening – prepare dinner – eat as you check WhatsApp, Facebook, Instagram, and those dreaded emails from your boss– watch some TV as you make To-Do lists for tomorrow - put kid to sleep – work some more – sleep
Homemakers and those who work from home will have other things keeping them busy – running errands, taking kids to dance class, project deadlines, preparing extensive meals, or social engagements.
Nothing wrong with it, yes? Work, family, leisure – we’re managing it all. But let’s rewind and view this day from a child’s perspective:
Woke up – didn’t get a morning hug– mum/dad kept shouting at me to get ready - spent the day at school – came back to an empty house – eagerly waited for parents to come back – they returned late in the evening – as I started telling them about my day, they got busy in the kitchen or on their phones – they weren’t really listening even during dinner; everything else seems to be more interesting than what I have to say – they are always on the phone, checking emails or scrolling through pictures of dogs and food* – they were distracted by the TV/laptop – no goodnight hug, they were both busy with their phones
Does it sound all wrong?
Aren’t we working ourselves to the ground for our kids?
So that we can provide well for them?
Alas, this is what present but absent parenting looks like – when you meet your child’s physical needs, but not other equally important ones; when you’re physically present, but emotionally unavailable; when you’re always busy watching a screen; when you shun physical affection; when you never say “I love you”. And I’m not talking about the one odd day when this happens – we all have those. I’m referring to patterns and behaviours consistent over weeks, months, and years.
What does this parenting style really do? Sadly, the effects are unpleasant and long-lasting:
Feeling Rejected: Children crave attention and approval from the adults in their life. But if they don’t get that quality time with their parents, or the kind words that they yearn, they might feel rejected. They won’t question the adult, but internalize that they aren’t good enough. Why else would Dad check his phone while I was in the middle of my story’s climax?
Low Self-Worth: Consistent rejection could lead to issues with self-esteem and self-worth. It’s a vicious loop – when kids don’t feel capable, when they don’t get reassurance and support from their parents, they might not sign up for new and challenging work. When they don’t take big bets, it is unlikely that they will see big success. What began as a doubt, becomes the truth. Over time, these kids can become isolated or overly aggressive. A not insignificant number tries to find solace in substance abuse and self-harm. I deserve this pain – what else have I caused my parents since the day I opened my eyes?
Adult Relationships Impacted: Growing up with an emotionally unavailable parent can impact a child’s relationships in adulthood. Not all children will experience this, but some of the emotionally shunned children will develop coping strategies – being defensive or overly protective, not trusting people easily, fearing and running away from attachment and love. These behaviours will make it extremely difficult for them to sustain serious long-term relationships. But how can they love me? I’m just not worth it. It’s just a wicked plan to hurt me
But what can we, the Parents, do about it? Surely there must be a way out! And there is. The answer lies in the little things:
Be Present – physically and emotionally. If a child is telling you how his teacher scolded them in class, they are reliving that moment – the surprise, the hurt, the embarrassment. And all they expect you to do is to genuinely listen. Look them in the eye and live that moment with them. Empathize! Hang on to every word they’re saying, just like they hang on to yours. They can tell when you’re not really with them.
Be Considerate - If you really need to take a call or answer a message in the middle of their adventure, let them know politely. You don’t just walk out on your colleagues, right? Similarly, don’t do that with your kids
Switch off from all your screens at pre-decided times. It could be meal time, or the time right before your kid goes to sleep. Make them feel like the centre of your universe, even if its for just a few minutes
Play all their imaginary games with them, hug them, and tell them you love them! The benefits are two-fold: you teach them how to be a happy adult by being one yourself, while also helping their brains develop faster
Take good care of yourself – fill your cup! Do things that make you happy instead of just rushing from one task to another. Slow down. Enjoy time with your kids – they’re growing up faster than we realize. Treat yourself with kindness. You’re doing great!
It’s OK to slip up once in a while. Nobody can be perfect. But before you jump to another screen after reading this article, pause! Maybe just say Hi to your child if they’re around. After all, they don’t ask for much. They just want to know that we care, and are here for them. They just want to be reassured that they belong!
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* Read the research here